S1E8: Lily's Adroit Love Letters (End of Season)
Lily C Fen
EPISODE SUMMARY:
"I was at such a low point in my life that I finally came face to face with my purpose. I was so lost, and I found my way, and I found my own will, not according to anyone else but me." - Lily.
This is the first voice conversation that Lily and I have ever had since our friendship drifted apart a few years. A company that was lost and found in the tides.
Lily is a published writer mainly within the fantasy fiction genre, primarily Filipino culture-focused. At the same time, she teaches her son her mother tongue that she is harnessing to embrace back while living in a multicultural environment in Zurich, Switzerland.
She is a former radio DJ, indie & theatre actor, model, spokesperson, and voice-over talent, among other things. Join us as we dive deep into her psyche and realisations moving forward with the most challenging decisions she has to make for herself.
Listen to the Episode
MAIN TOPICS:
00:00 - Episode intro
02:30 - Lily's intro
02:44 - Lily's like and disliked words explained
05:45 - Things about voice and Lily's radio DJ days
09:07 - Multilingual confusion, the Filipino language, culture and identity, and mother tongue
23:22 - Going through crossroads
32:37 - Choosing your path, finding your identity
34:58 - Wish's confession to Lily
38:15 - Lily's keyword to share
40:28 - Wish's essential words from this episode
42:06 - Season end special outro
FEATURED WORDS:
Lily's synonyms to self: valley (n.), singing (v.), lilting (adj.)
Wish's synonyms to Lily: Carrie Bradshaw (n.), inscribing (v.), purposeful (adj.)
Essential word from this episode: Identity (n.)
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
PRODUCER'S NOTE: This episode has a few voice audio glitches halfway - my profound apologies. It's not a hindrance to listening to a hearty conversation, so please give it a chance. Cheers.
QUOTABLE QUOTES
"… the fiction that's there and the novels I'm writing, the point is they're my love letters to the Philippines."
"I can't believe I have a kid. It's kind of nice to say."
"But what a gift to be able to find new parts of ourselves, new parts of me and new pockets of pride in this language that I was trying to quell. And now I'm feeding it. I'm nourishing it, and it really does contribute to mental health..."
"It's so funny that you have to leave in order to come home, so to speak."
"... when we're the ones going through the journey, we tend to forget to kind of pat ourselves on the back. So it's so nice to have good friends do that for you or remind you, because that's important, too."
"It was so powerful to listen to my gut. I knew it was right. Once I knew, I felt peace about the decision I was going to make."
"It's so helpful to actually have a horrible problem in your life, to teach you clarity of purpose."
"Purpose can give you peace. Purpose also means path. How many people really know their purpose?"
"You're the master of your own thoughts."
REFERENCES FROM TODAY'S CONVERSATION
LILY'S LINKS:
More Filipino Fantasy Fiction works
Regla in Filipino terms
O pejskovi a kočičce on Goodreads
Si Aso at Si Pusa on Goodreads
Why people hate the sound of their voice explained
Bending without Breaking: Thirteen Women's Stories of Migration and Resilience on Goodreads
Ariel / Ursula - The Little Mermaid scene on YouTube
Elizabeth Gilbert's book - Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear on Goodreads
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Wish 00:00:02
Hello, dear humanity. Welcome to Human Thesaurus podcast season-ender. I'm your host-slash-fortified Wish Ronquillo Peacocke.
Wish 00:00:17
Lily is a professional writer focusing on features in Filipino fantasy fiction. Her works appeared in numerous international magazines like QLRS, Asian Cha, Asian Dragon, The Local Switzerland, and New Asian Writing. She earned her MA degree in English Studies from the University of the Philippines and co-edited a book entitled Bending Without Breaking: Thirteen Women Stories of Migration and Resilience. She translated one of Josef Čapek's beloved children stories. I hope I could say it right in Czech O pejskovi a kočičce, from Czech to Filipino entitled Si Aso at Si Pusa. She is working on her first novel while thriving as a mom based in Zurich, Switzerland. I met her a long time ago in our early 20s in Manila, Philippines. She auditioned in my Singapore-Australia New Media project then, and we just clicked and we started partying together and doing a lot of stuff. We were inseparable and I really have the most amazing memories in my 20s because of Lily. She's a massive, massive part of my life. And that was a very transformational moment in both our lives. Then probably in our mid 30s, we kind of, like, got lost in touch. Sometimes your friendship, you go in different paths and then you get lucky when you find yourself to be back in that friendship again after a while. And that's really, really precious. And I always appreciate that about her. My synonyms for Lily are Carrie Bradshaw as a noun, inscribing as a verb, and purposeful as an adjective. So let's welcome Lily C. Fen!
Lily 00:02:30
Hey! My name is Lily, same as the words valley as a noun, singing as a verb, and lilting as an adjective. I like the word radost, and I dislike the word regla.
Wish 00:02:44
Wow, wow! Can you enlighten us about your favourite word?
Lily 00:02:48
So radost is a Czech word. It means joy. I feel like it's poorly translated, the way I've encountered the word. It means, like a deep joy, like freude in German. So you see, like, from life in Europe, these are the words I've encountered, and it just means like this when you are happy and it's, like, good in your heart. Like the way you feel when you climb a mountain at dawn and you see the sunrise. That's what the word radost means to me from a pop culture perspective. They use the word radost for their soda commercials. I don't know if I'm allowed to say brand names, but there's a famous soda pop that talks about joy and puts in polar bears. They use it for the Coca Cola commercial in Czech. So they tried to depict joy as, like, Christmas trees and polar bear. So it's like winter joy for me. That's the word radost, and that's what it means to me personally.
Wish 00:03:47
Yeah. That's like the warm, indescribable feeling of happiness.
Lily 00:03:52
Yeah. Like fuzzy feeling, like a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows melting on top. Yeah, that's what I do for me.
Wish 00:04:01
That's wonderful. I love that. I love that. And how about the regla? Why regla and can you explain it?
Lily 00:04:09
I had to spend maybe like ten years outside the Philippines and spent ten years in Europe working on my letter R that I can finally roll my R a little bit. So regla, right.
Wish 00:04:09
Congrats!
Lily 00:04:09
Thank you. Regla not that good, but I can kind of roll it now. Regla, right. So why do I dislike this word? I mean, for non Filipino speakers, it means your period.
Wish 00:04:34
Wow.
Lily 00:04:36
It means your period. And my mom used to use it all the time when you get your period and when you enter puberty, that's very, very embarrassing for your mom to say "may regla ka" that you have your period. And maybe because we're bilingual, for me, like, English feels a bit emotionally removed. So if I say my period, it feels less embarrassing.
Wish 00:05:00
Yes.
Lily 00:05:00
In fact, if you think about it, a lot of more gentile Filipinas will say in Tagalog, they'll say "meron ka," you have without actually saying the word, as if it were an embarrassing word. And that's why I dislike the word. There's just a lot of embarrassed puberty emotions involved with the word that come with the word.
Wish 00:05:24
Yes, I get it. It's like, embarrassing, and it's like a sin to even say it.
Lily 00:05:30
Gosh say something. Use a different word, especially when you're a teenager. It's very embarrassing. Not that we're teenagers anymore. So thank goodness we can talk about the word.
Wish 00:05:44
Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Oh, my gosh, I missed your voice because you used to be a DJ, too. And your voice is always the sexy, flirty, sultry woman on radio. So how have you been, Lils? I miss you so much.
Lily 00:06:01
No, it's really great. You mentioned it in your introduction that somehow our paths reconnected, even though they diverged for a little while there. And that's the funny thing about as you didn't expect. But anyway, boy, thank you. That's such a sweet, sweet thing to say. I love being able to do this recording with you. I've really missed being on the microphone and chatting and same with you. You've always wanted to do a podcast, and now you're doing one. As you said, you just went and pulled the trigger. But voice, really, that sets up a lot of things. Those are the good parts. But there's also, like, I don't know if you hear it, but I feel like I sound older. I didn't know that voice is aged. I sound like my mom now, so I feel conscious about that, actually.
Wish 00:06:49
Really? I don't know. I still love your voice. I still remember it's the same. But probably that's true, though, because I feel like my voice is one note lower.
Lily 00:07:03
Yeah, right. Well, not that I can tell. I cannot tell that about your voice. I can tell that about my voice. Well, it's also been a while since we've.
Wish 00:07:13
Yeah, but I suppose what we hear is different than what other people hear. Right. Because when we're speaking, we're pretty much very close to our ears, scientifically speaking. So most people let's say 99.9% of people hate their own voice, but other people would say, oh, I love your voice, but because we hear ourselves differently than the rest of the world. Once I kind of learned about that, I just begin to like, okay, I hate my voice but whatever.
Lily 00:07:45
I think that's a great attitude, I've had quite a journey with my voice now that we talk about it. Before I became a DJ. Now more like growing up again, back to puberty, like teen years, preteen. I used to really hate my voice or at least dislike it. Or rather, I wished I had a different voice because as a young girl, the soprano, that melodious, very high pitched voice was considered like the ingénue, the princess. She has the lead roles in the plays and musicals, like, Ariel the Mermaid has a soprano voice, and it's the evil witch who has the deep, sexy voice. Ursula. Right. So growing up, I wish I had Ariel's voice. But then I started meeting people in college and theatre who worked in radio or recorded advertisements. So thanks for mentioning that about me, because that's part of my past that I really love. I may not do it now in Switzerland, but I loved it so much. So I meet all these people who had, like, really beautiful and deep voices, and they tell me, you have such a good voice, good diction come over to the studio. And eventually I did, and it ended up becoming my bread and butter or, like, one of my main revenue streams. And I love working at the studio.
Wish 00:09:07
Yeah.
Lily 00:09:07
And they did get me. Or I was successful because of my deep voice. Do you say smoky voice? No. I forget the words of English now that I use so many other languages.
Wish 00:09:07
Sultry!
Lily 00:09:07
Sultry! That's the one, thanks. It's good that your show is called Human Thesaurus! No really. My English is suffering, I think I never thought I'd teach my child Filipino. I always thought growing up in the Philippines, that I would teach my child English, being from a bilingual city and country and the social mobility la la. But honestly, fast forward to ten years living in Europe and being surrounded by all these European intellectuals or, like, family counsellors who talk so much about mother tongue. I'm surprised I'm teaching my child Filipino. So because I'm teaching in Filipino and I speak Filipino all the time, I think I'm forgetting my English. Plus, I'm working so hard on my German living in Zurich. Then there's the Czech. It's like it's all jumbled together now. It's quite funny.
Wish 00:10:06
Yeah, I was wondering about that because you've always been intelligent, you've always been smart, and you're very good with words. You're very good with languages and even assimilating accents. That's one of your biggest talents. So I suppose, like, when you jumble all of these things up, when you speak in English, there are some words in Tagalog that gets inserted there or some German or whatever. It's just your brain, especially our brains are getting older. So when you switch. It's kind of hard because sometimes I catch myself now that I add some Filipino words as well in my English, because I speak more Tagalog recently.
Lily 00:10:53
Tell me about that. Why are you speaking more Filipino? Did something change in your life the way, like with me, it was teaching the kid Filipino.
Wish 00:11:02
Well, I suppose because when we were in Australia, I barely spoke Tagalog at all because there's no one that I could speak to. So when I came back here in Singapore, I've got, like, our helper, or I speak more with my brother a little bit in Tagalog, and then I have more people, more opportunities, and my Filipino friends here, too. So you add that again, and then you're like, I can't remember that word. And apparently it's just a simple word. Someone is like, what do you call this? And I feel such a shame because I was just like, that's your mother's tongue. Like, shame on you. Like what you're saying, when we were young, we wanted to banish all our Filipino-ness, and then now you embrace it. What gives? What do you think?
Lily 00:11:54
Isn't that funny? No, absolutely.
Wish 00:11:56
What do you think?
Lily 00:11:57
Everything that you've just said has been my script since my son was born. Niko's two, I guess I can mention his name. Ever since he was born, it's been a slow language journey for me, but pretty much you've summed it up where it's this... okay, there is a lot of forgetting. Even before my son arrived, I'm part of a small Filipino community here, a bunch of very intelligent ladies. A lot of them were involved with the book Bending Without Breaking because it was a community effort. And oftentimes we'll be like, at the Plaza, for example, and we'll be like, looking at pigeons, and we'll be like, "Ay! Yung... yung... ano bang tawag sa... pigeon?" (Translation: "Oh! That... that... what do you call that *pigeon (*in Tagalog)?". And it takes us like a full you know what? We couldn't come up with it. I had to come home and ask my mom how to say pigeon in Tagalog, which is Kalapati. And when the Filipinos and I were chatting about it here, there was this. Yeah. Really... Even if you say technically it's your mother tongue, if you become more removed from it, if you don't use it, you lose it.
Wish 00:13:03
Yeah.
Lily 00:13:03
And it's been a very funny experience where I have gaps in the Filipino. But because I speak every day now to my child in Filipino, it's all coming back to me now. But, you know, he's two, right? I can even understand everything he's discussing with his father in Czech.
Wish 00:13:03
Yeah.
Lily 00:13:03
Because it's like two year old vocabulary. So same with Filipino, I guess. And I can already see the more the smarter the kid gets. I can't believe I have a kid. It's kind of nice to say. The smarter he gets, I feel like as a bilingual Filipina who read more in English, for example. Right. And you've been there, too. We do a lot more intellectual things in English than in Tagalog. So I feel like there's going to be a switch later on where, yes, I am trying to lay the groundwork for the Tagalog, and everything you've said is the script. Exactly. Your script. Why do I have gaps in Filipino? Oh, my goodness. And sometimes it's funny, like trying to figure out the word for pigeon. But every day speaking to him in Filipino, the language comes back. It's also been a nice language journey, or more like how in college you probably encountered the same class where they talk about this theory of, like, your identity being rooted in language. And when I learned it at, like 19 or 20, I was like, yeah, whatever. That's just a theory.
Wish 00:14:35
Exactly.
Lily 00:14:36
And then fast forward to today, right. Where you and I have been experts for a long time. So we really have to be thoughtful about our identity, not as much as, like, the next person who never left home. So I find in finally choosing this tongue that no one else uses. In Switzerland, I'll have to find pockets of Filipinos, a Filipino community, to hear the tongue. So, like, I'm the only one who's speaking it on the tram with my son has become a really great maturity of identity and self pride. And I never thought I'd be teaching him this language. I never thought I would find these new pieces of me. It's something you said earlier that when we're younger, we're trying to banish this language, like, oh, you know, it's like a lower language. Oh, my gosh, I need to work on my English. And yes, we worked on our English very well. It's gotten us very far. I'm grateful for that. But what a gift to be able to find new parts of ourselves, new parts of me and new pockets of pride in this language that I was trying to quell. And now I'm feeding it. I'm nourishing, it and it really does contribute to mental health, as the experts say, as all these books.
Wish 00:15:59
Absolutely. It's beautiful.
Lily 00:16:00
Yeah, it's really nice. And I hope that every listener, every Filipino will hear that and be nodding and saying, yeah, I agree. Or, yeah, that makes sense to every listener. I mean, not just any Filipino. Right. But I think with many other speakers, like, let's say, German speakers in Switzerland or Czech speakers in Czech Republic, they have, I think, a lot of pride in their own language. And for us, these two languages are fighting. Right? This English and Filipino. And like, oh, maybe in an ideal world, Filipino wouldn't be considered, like, the lower language. And the listeners will forgive me for saying that, but that's how we raise or that's how I was raised. My mom is still wondering until now why I'm teaching my son Filipino. She says I should teach him English.
Wish 00:16:56
Yeah. That's the thing. I think as you get older and also when you live in a foreign country for a while, that's where you embrace your identity a little bit more, something that you can hold on to as your roots. So I think a lot of people also let it go, especially I think it's our parents generation who wants us to be more Westernised, to be far removed to who we are as Filipinos. But I could see now the new generation of TikTokers, people that are way younger, they're now embracing their Filipino-ness. I think there's a value now on how you embrace your own culture and it's now being recognised a little bit more. Yes, there are issues of, like, Asian hate in the Western world and all of these things because of the pandemic. But I think from what I'm observing is that it's not as dire in our generation, because even our parents are trying to erase again the impression that being a Filipino is a lower culture. And that should not be because I only have a sense of pride being a Filipina when I started living somewhere else and I was like, I have to represent Filipino women. These are the real Filipino women who are really working hard no matter what. Blue collar, white collar, it doesn't matter. We're so strong, we're so resilient, we're so friendly out there and we represent and I have to represent. So I don't know what gives, but I think it's just an evolution of confidence as well that plays along with that. What do you think, like, in your journey?
Lily 00:18:45
Yeah. A lot of things you said struck me. I took some notes before I forgot. I remember when you mentioned that once you moved, I think you moved abroad a little bit before I did. And when we would encounter each other on your visit, you would always buy Filipino, which I understand. I would think, why doesn't she buys, like, Thai *sampalok (*tamarind)? Thai is better. And then I became an expat too. It took me a few years and I found myself doing exactly the same as you coming home, seeking out Filipino products, even though all my local friends or family would be like, "Why are you buying that? Why don't you buy Japanese? So why are you buying Filipino?" And then I understood where you were coming from during those times I witnessed you in the act of supporting Filipino. I think I had to experience it myself like to go through that journey of leaving home the way you did and understanding: "This is where I'm from. These are my roots and I come back to them, I support them." It's so funny that you have to leave in order to come home, so to speak. That's one thing. I think you are absolutely right. So that's kind of cool that you pointed that out. I might have forgotten. And I just want to add to that what you said in my parents' generation, when I think about it, that makes total sense because my parents were born shortly after. So it was at a time when (English is) such a very, very high commodity to have in society. And it must have taken decades and decades more of work later on to begin to unravel that. I think you're so cool and savvy for knowing TikTok, because I don't. But I get the argument. And it's so cool to hear that you're observing in the realm of younger millennials, I think in the realm of people slightly younger than us, that there really is this up wave of own culture and own identity. And I guess we're also both now a part of that wave. I have written a Filipino picture book, the kind of supposed to be with pictures, but I'm not doing the pictures. It was requested by several very educated, very smart Filipina expat moms in Zurich. They said that for the life of them, find a picture book about Filipino Christmas. So they said, could you write one? So I wrote one. I haven't gotten it. I want to get traditionally published, and I've rejected by the only one I've approached. But I'm only bringing it up because in preparing for this book and approaching the first publisher I spoke with, I got a look at the market and the trend. And it's exactly what you and I are saying, that there's this trend for bilingual books now, not just English books, not even just Filipino books, but really, it's maybe like acknowledging you can imagine for Latino Americans that they're now interested or they're ready to acknowledge: These are my two languages. These are my two cultures. So let's look at these books that have both languages and they're both that's what my book looks like, too. Hopefully, it becomes a real published deal. In my writing journey, I've also encountered this trend that we're talking about.
Wish 00:22:13
Oh, my goodness. I would be so excited that you can publish that. Really, if I could be of any help, let me know, because that has to be published.
Lily 00:22:25
Thank you. It's a picture book that teaches young children, especially children in Filipino diaspora, about what it's like, what makes Christmas in the Philippines special and different from other Christmases around the world. And I think I've decided now that I got on that stream, I'm also going to write another picture book about well, I guess I won't say it until I write it. Let's not jinx it, although I already mentioned the Christmas thing, which is okay. But basically, yeah, even my writing is informed by us being expats and always looking to homes or other Filipino expat friends. That every story I write, the short fiction that's on QLRS. So, like the fiction that's there and the novels I'm writing, the point is they're my love letters to the Philippines. So I really do fingers cross that they'll be out in the world soon.
Wish 00:23:22
Yes. I'm so sure of that. And I'm just like my heart is so full right now listening to you, because I remember a time at a crossroads of your life when you visited me here in Singapore, that you're still figuring out what you're going to do next. And there's a hesitation in you about being a full time writer. I was just like, just do it. You're so good at it. And then you have so many things happening at that time that you're still figuring out how everything will work out together. But I think you never thought, I think at that time that you're strong enough to accomplish everything that you have right now. But you got there because I think there's such resilience. And also inside of you, there's a fighting spirit that you fought for everything that you are reaping right now. And it's such a beautiful thing for me to see unfold. So I just hope that you acknowledge that as well, because you really had a long journey. Can you share a little bit since we're catching up anyway, can you share with me a little bit? If you're looking at it right now, how did your journey go?
Lily 00:24:44
In a nutshell, I'm really glad that you said such kind things to me just now. I think when we're the ones going through the journey, we tend to forget to kind of pat ourselves on the back. So it's so nice to have good friends do that for you or remind you, because that's important, too. Yeah, I was down in the dumps. That was a very, very low point in my life when I visited you then. There were so many voices from all around, and it took a lot of sifting through to find what my purpose was, who I wanted to be, not what other people... Everyone had so many different opinions. And you know what? In retrospect, I'm really grateful to have been at such a low point in my life. I was at such a low point in my life that I finally came face to face with my purpose. I was so lost and I found my way and I found my own will, not according to anyone else but me. So I kind of started learning... relearning to listen to my gut. I'm not sure to say learning or relearning, like we should all be able to listen to our instinct. But I think somewhere along the way, society, la la, media, whatever maybe we forget? It was so powerful to listen to my gut. I knew it was right. Once I knew, I felt peace about the decision I was going to make. Right because there are so many paths one can take during a crossroads. And when I chose mine, I felt peace. So that would mean if I had gone another way, I would not find peace. If I knew that all the voice is quiet and it felt right. Even if I didn't know the end outcome, I knew it was the right way. So just like, listening to that inner gut was very valuable for me. I still do have doubts. Now that's probably, I think I might quote Elizabeth Gilbert had this book, if I remember the title, Creative Living Beyond Fear. It's about being an author, a writer and artist. She talks about how doubt will always be riding in the car with you. But your job is to say to doubt, hey, you okay? I heard your voice. Now go sit in the back seat and I'm driving the car. Like, don't let her drive. But she's always going to hang out and she might say something and voice your concerns. But. So I still do have doubts where I'm like, oh, my gosh, I'm trying to get this novel published. I don't want to get self published. I want to sell my book to a literary agent and get the real deal traditional publisher to actually pick it up and say it's good. We're going to sell it to thousands of readers and hit the best seller list and win an award. But a part of me is like, doubt is always voicing her concerns, like, you're stupid, you go teach English and stop writing because it's going nowhere. So at the time, I was so lost in my personal life. We've been waiting for (Niko, who...) didn't exist at the time we met. We waited for him eight years. And I'm so grateful that he's here. So that's like, well, I was going to say it's an accomplishment, but it's not on my account, right. That's like, those are things you can't control. But I'm so happy that we have him. Yeah. I guess what we really want to focus on is about that sense of purpose, right. And we can be lost. It's so helpful to actually have a horrible problem in your life, to teach you clarity of purpose. I keep it in my handwritten planner paper blanks or Moleskine or whatever. And I still have my coloured pens. So, like, I've a little Post-it at the front inner page. And I learned from a book I read that you write your goals or like, your purpose in present tense. So instead of saying I will get my novel traditionally published, it's like, I have like 1000 readers. So you put it on your Post-it and then you should read it every day. I think since becoming a mom, I've forgotten to read it every day. But the reason why I'm mentioning it is to go back to purpose. Like a line I discovered when I was down in the dumps. And every once in a while, doubt will veer you away from your path, right? You'll start looking at, like, the cliff you're going to fall off or the waves will sweep you away and you had to go back again, always to that safety line. You knew it's right for you. And that's my little Post-it in my planner. "Oh, my God, it's kind of wrong, just go back" And it's like, really? You're like the master of your own thoughts. Like our minds can run amok and be like, "oh, it's going to be awful. You're never going to make it. Don't do the podcast. It's stupid or whatever." Right? But always go back. "No, I wanted to do the podcast. I'm going to do this" or "I'm writing the novel. I will finish it. I will finish it well." I don't know if that comes with age, haha.
Wish 00:29:53
Well, I think it does too. And when you told me that you were pregnant, I had a thought about that. I was like, God gave you your child at the right time. I know it's been eight years in the making of ups and downs and some difficulties, but I think it was the right time when Niko was given to you and better because I think you're in the right mindset and you had a lot of reflections and you had a lot more wisdom that your inner self has given you throughout your experience. Now that your whole like that. Now you can imbibe it and give it to your son. So I think everything is just in its right time. And like what you're saying, you know, your full purpose. So when your son came out, your whole in your purpose, even though like, what you're saying, the self doubt. And I take self doubt nowadays as something that we have because of the personalities. So I think people are self doubting sometimes, but still do it anyway, have a very high motivation and ambition. So I think that keeps us going. That keeps us pushing to our limits and testing ourselves and not really like, oh, I doubt therefore, I'm not going to do anything about it. We may go back to our safe place, but we're going to push again. We're not going to stop. So the relentlessness in terms of the imposter syndrome, it's just like, okay, yeah, "why am I doing this podcast and things like that? So I have so many doubts", but I was like, you know what? I'm fabulous. I'm just going to freaking do it anyway. I'm going to do it for me. Like, if everybody else enjoys this, then, yay, hopefully there's just one person there. It's like, "oh, my gosh, I could relate to you guys" and I'll be happy because that's got to be a very good inspiration, like inspiring other people. But if not, then I enjoyed it and I'm talking to people who are important to me, then I'm already fulfilled before I even press record. You know what I mean?
Lily 00:32:16
Yes, absolutely.
Wish 00:32:18
Do you have anything to add? Sorry, I got carried away.
Lily 00:32:23
Good. I thought I didn't know if we were going to close or what, but I did want to maybe add some things to what you just said, what I really wanted to say earlier. You know what? I'll come out and see it.
Wish 00:32:36
Yeah.
Lily 00:32:37
Something you said too. Like, if there's one person out there listening will actually benefit from it. Wow. And so I will share a bit. When I was down in the dumps, my husband and I were having problems with our marriage and it's crumbling before me, and it was just an absolute end. And when I was saying that there were so many voices to put it lightly, in a more colourful way. But it's kind of true, too. On the one hand, there were some voices saying, go down the path of being an absolutely cool, sexy divorcee and have as many gorgeous boyfriends as you can. And this is nothing against sexy divorcee please. This is my own path I'm talking about. Or suck it up and work on this freaking marriage that you send vows to. And between these two paths, I think you mentioned crossroads. And thank you for being so guarded and how you introduce it so I can say what I want. So at a crossroads between these two choices, I chose... it's like Robert Frost, "I chose the path less travelled..." For me, it was a more difficult path, but once I set foot on that path of reconciliation, but once I started that journey, I felt right. And I was shy about mentioning God. I was trying to talk about purpose path, but really the purpose and path came from God. For me, I found my relationship with God again. And for me, that made all the difference. Kind of goes back honestly to identity. When I first moved to Prague, there's, like, institutionalised atheism there. So in a way, kind of trying to fit in, like, okay, it's very lonely not believing in a God, but right. Like, I stopped praying, whatever. And I came back to my roots, a Filipino that is part of our culture.
Wish 00:34:31
Exactly.
Lily 00:34:32
That's part of our identity. Oh, my gosh. I just went back to identity about renewing my relationship in faith with God. For me was to translate maybe, or understand more like the language of psychology. This was my mental health. This was my psychotherapy journaling, praying, spending time with God in God's word. And it really just cleared my path, so much. So that's all I wanted to add.
Wish 00:34:58
That's really great because, well, I'm just going to reveal now, like, I think we lost in touch because I was so hurt that I didn't know that you're end decision of what you're going to do, because I think I'm one of those voices that was telling you what to do. And that was a little bit insensitive of me. During that time, I thought I was helping. But when I found out your next steps from other people, I kind of got hurt because I felt like you did not trust me enough that I will trust you with the decision that you made to really suck it up and really fight for your marriage. So I kind of got butt hurt. And that was a little bit naive of me at that time to get butt hurt. But deep inside my heart, I really just trust your decision because it's your life and it's your decision. And knowing you, that's really the path that you're going to take, because really, you don't give up on the people that you really love. And you always show that through and through. So at some point, I need to get over my butt hurt feelings because it's not about me at the end of the day. So you were reaching out, and I was like, shame on me, right? And so in the end, I was just like, you know what? Lily is a beautiful person, and I owe you a lot on how I shaped my 20s as well, moving forward to being a person that I am right now. You're one of those people who were in my life shaping myself as an adult. So, yeah, I'm really just very appreciative that there are friendships that could go through ups and downs and can still survive because there's really a genuine love in there. So thank you so much for not giving up on me.
Lily 00:36:57
That's so sweet. To be honest. You're not the only friend who went and told me that I hurt them during that time. I think I probably hurt a lot of people that time. I said a lot of really mean things to my brother, for example, that I still feel guilty about. I think I hated the world. I was very angry, very confused while I was taking this path of healing. And it takes a long time. And yes, friends were hurt. So I love what you said in the very beginning, we are coming full circle. How lucky to be able to reconnect because, oh, wow. Isn't that the gift of getting older? You get to have, like, a whole span of relationships where there's an ebb and tide friendships, there's different seasons of on and off. Maybe some won't even come back. But I was just saying when some do, when the time brings that friendship back.
Wish 00:37:57
Amazing talk. And this is such an amazing conversation. I mean, having been not really having a voice talk in a long time. So in closing, what's the word or phrase that you can impart to our listeners and you can expand on that purpose?
Lily 00:38:15
Purpose can give you peace. Purpose also means path. How many people really know their purpose? When you think about it as a listener, do you know your purpose in life? I'm not being high and mighty saying, I know my purpose, and I'm so fancy, I know everything. But it took a very difficult life problem for me to come face to face and dig deep and find my purpose. And once I found purpose, like, let's say, about writing or about marriage, these roles in my life are my purpose. I would say wife and writer, book and baby. That's my purpose. What is yours? You can also find two keywords for your path and purpose. And why do I talk about that? I mentioned peace. For me, it's such a good place to be when we're peaceful about our lives. And for me, having a sense of purpose really kind of like made my life feel a bit neater. So if it gets lost in the fray of doubts or like moving to a new country or changing jobs, changing friendships, changing a life situation, you can always go back to the purpose that you wrote out for yourself. And it made me feel very centred. So that's what I like to share with everyone. If that helps anyone at all about finding their purpose or like being interested in digging deep about their own purpose, then I guarantee that you would find a sense of peace and feeling peaceful about your life. Even when you're lost, you kind of find your way back all the time. It's really great. It's like having a lifesaver in the tossing and turning of open seas.
Wish 00:39:56
Marvellous. Thank you so much Lils for hanging out with me. It's beautiful catching up with you and I can't believe we're in our 40s full of wisdom.
Lily 00:40:07
Yeah. Thank you so much wish for including me in this conversation.
Wish 00:40:11
I've never had once a doubt that I know that you should be on this podcast.
Lily 00:40:18
Thanks.
Wish 00:40:28
From this episode, one of the most important words about life is identity. It is the distinguishing character or personality of an individual. It's similar to words, specification, identification, discerning, sameness, congruence, symmetry, accordance, oneness, and likeness. George R. R. Martin, an American novelist responsible for the TV adaptation Game of Thrones, quoted: "Never forget what you are for. Surely the world will not make it your strength, then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it and it will never be used to hurt you." We should allow ourselves to keep evolving, keep growing. There will always be crossroads in our lives, doubts and everything that may be negative, but there's always a silver lining and all you can do is choose the right path for yourself. Listen to your heart and soul, find that place of peace, and just keep on going. I always say in this podcast, to keep on going. It's always been my message because I heed that you should try it out. There will always be a good result. At the end of the road. You will be okay.
Wish 00:42:06
I hope you love Eavesdropping. You should start thinking about your synonyms. What are they? Perhaps you can share them with me through emailing your audio or a message about you.
Wish 00:42:06
Thank you so much for listening to the whole first season of Human Thesaurus. It's been extremely wonderful to take my own advice to keep going because here we are. It is such a memorable first season to share with you my brilliant, friendly guests, KK, Mike, Keiran, Justin, JC, Micah and Lily. Thank you folks and I hope that you picked up something within these hearty conversations. Please help me to get this pod going by rating it or leaving a comment wherever you get your podcasts from and also through subscribing to my newsletter via my website humanthesaurus.co that's h-u-m-a-n-t-h-e-s-a-u-r-u-s-dot-c-o and do share with your friends family colleagues and even to your frenemies or arch-enemies. I'll take a break and start producing my next season see you again in June and please follow me on Instagram or Twitter @wishblizz that's at-w-i-s-h-b-l-i-double Z for updates. I'm your host Wish Ronquillo Peacocke, have a fantastic day and thanks for listening.
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